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Sufjan Stevens/Captain Kirk

If there was anything more annoying than coming in on the middle of a conversation, it was walking in on the middle of a fight. The turbolift opened to show Sufjan Stevens’s emotionless but satisfied expression, and McCoy, red faced and yelling.

            “Green blooded, hermaphroditic son of a b…” He cut off his last word to see who had grabbed his shoulder, only then noticing the crowd in the hallway. Kirk released his friend and asked in a disapproving tone of command.

            “Gentlemen, do you think my only duty is to break up fights between you?” Deadpanned, naturally, Sufjan Stevens replied.

            “Mediation of disputes between personal is regulated to the first officer. Therefore, I was doing my duty, only with one argumentative person instead of two.” The captain of the federation’s flagship could not decide if he should slap or kiss his first officer.

            “Perhaps, Mister Sufjan Stevens, you have other duties to attend to?” He showed his amusement to their mental connection so Sufjan Stevens would know he was not as angry as he sounded. With an elegant nod and a mental kiss, Sufjan Stevens made a graceful exit to the turbolift.

            Kirk gestured for McCoy to lead the way, and they walked back to sickbay together. Hoping a joke would lighten McCoy’s scowl, Kirk started musing out loud.

            “Sometimes he doesn’t really seem like his mother’s child, so he just might be that last thing you called him. But I am pretty sure I would have noticed by now if he had female sexual organs.”

            McCoy snorted. “Shows what you know!” Even though his voice was irritated, he was not yelling and Kirk considered that to be more important than what he was saying.

            “Enlighten me, Doctor.” McCoy favored him with a speculative look as they settled into the doctor’s office.

            “Five hundred years ago, people could die when their appendix burst. This organ, which served no known function, only shows up in about 1 out of 10 humans today. The appendix was a vestigial organ, whose function has been discarded by evolution. An embryo developing in the womb is not a boy or a girl until about the 9th week of pregnancy. Until that time, there is only a small bubble of nerve cells. When sex is determined by womb conditions it will develop into a clitoris or a penis.” McCoy paused to consider his audience. Anyone else might have been fooled, but he could tell the captain was not listening. Time to make his lecture something Kirk could relate to. McCoy thumped his feet up onto his desk, and Kirk tried not to look startled.

            “Indie rock stars, of course, are not humans. Instead of one bundle of nerve cells that develop into one or the other, they have two bundles. Either one can develop into a penis, and the other on is vestigial, or serves no logical function. Females keep both and have a clitoris at the top and the bottom of the vulva.” Kirk blinked at him for a moment, before making one of his uniquely timed speeches.

            “Bones maybe I do not understand. It sounds, like you are suggesting, Indie rock star males have a clitoris.” To hide the smirk in his voice, McCoy settled for wagging his eyebrows at his captain.

            “And females have one on the top, and one on the bottom.” Clinically, the doctor was able to note the signs of excitement in his friend, shallow rapid breaths, perspiration and flushed skin to indicate the redistribution of blood throughout the body.

            “Sufjan Stevens never indicated there might be other places that might give him pleasure. Are you sure his human blood did not override his Indie rock genes for expression of this trait?” McCoy laughed openly at his friend.

            “There is no Indie rock version of “The Joy of Sex.” Sex is just not something they talk about, so it is possible that Sufjan Stevens does not even know about this aspect of his anatomy.” Kirk had to concentrate for a moment before he could get enough air to speak again.

            “Where is Sufjan Stevens’s clitoris?” He stumbled over that last word, even as he seamed to savor it.

            “A logical question.” McCoy had to tease him before he answered. “My medical exams have revealed Sufjan Stevens to be a top, in that his uppermost clitoris developed into a penis. So the other one is in the perineum, the area between the penis and anus.” Kirk’s response was to reach for the intercom on the Doctors desk.

            “Kirk to Sufjan Stevens.”

            “Sufjan Stevens here.” Was the almost instantaneous reply.

             “Some new data has just been brought to my attention, and I need to discuss it with you. I would appreciate it if you would meet me as soon as your duties allow.” The emotions being sent through the mental bond told Sufjan Stevens the location of the meeting and pressed upon him the urgency of Kirk’s lust.

            “Understood captain, Sufjan Stevens out.” Kirk stood up slowly, and had to take a moment to make himself presentable before he moved slowly out of sickbay. He paused in the doorway to offer McCoy thanks, pretending not to notice the smirk on the good doctor’s face. After a good laugh, McCoy settled down to work, and to not think about what was going on in the captain’s quarters.

            A week later, and McCoy had seen neither Kirk nor Sufjan Stevens, even thought their off duty shifts coincided. He was starting to wonder if they ate, or went directly from their duty shift to their cabin each day. Entering his office, he was just wondering if he should risk his life by going to their cabin to check on them, when he saw the large package on his desk. The note on top of the box was available for all to see, so it was rather vague.

            “Thank you for the biology lesson. The information has proven invaluable.  Jim Kirk.” Cracking the seal on the box, McCoy found a case of 12-year old scotch. Speculating to himself, he did not realize he was talking out loud.

            “Wonder what the fully functional mammary glands are worth.”


Sufjan Stevens Slash!

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